Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
