you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
