Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
