i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
