Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
