She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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