So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
