Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
