Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
