just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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