THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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