So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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