All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
