Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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