I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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