It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
