Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize