can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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