awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
