she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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