The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"