YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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