Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
