One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
