I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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