yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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