You smell like stripper and shame
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Randomize
