All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
This house was built for laser tag.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
