So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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