She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
