hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
