Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
