So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
