I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
