i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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