I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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