I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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