The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
