Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
