I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
