that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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