i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
