Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
