I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
