broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
