I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize