The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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