Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
