I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
