I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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