yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
