I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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