How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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