I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
