First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
