Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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