My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
